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January 27 zipping up sfxLast year, I told myself that Student Council Elections 2009 will be the last year that I would be active in the Party. I didn’t see myself as an active Alumna. Besides, it’d be high time I give more time, effort and focus to other, more important areas, or person in my life after college. After college after all, is when those other, more important matters are in the agenda. *zipping up sfx* Well unfortunately, those other, more important, matters have either given up on the line, or are still on cue. For those still on cue, like my career and advanced education plans, well, I think I need to do some more soul searching before I finally entertain them. I need to know what they are first before venturing into them. As to the others who have abandoned the line, well au revoir... So right now, well, I can’t say I’m practically free for the mean time. Even now, I’m very loaded with tons of work at work. But I can say I am more, way more active in the Party than I thought I’d be. For one, I participated in both Buklod delibs, and one Aly delibs. Yes, even Aly delibs. I thought I won’t be part of the hegemons that are/were the alumni, but I became part of the alumni, at least lately. I even started mobilizing my slate to gather support for the slates running this year. Woah. Why exactly am I doing all this? Why am I committed to going to the gatherings that once intoxicated me so badly? Well, I have two reasons. And I must say only two. Above these two reasons is the caveat: If there’ll be an election where I’ll be active and maybe give great effort as an Alumna, it will be this election. Why? SO herein come the two reasons. First, I-don’t-know-yet-if-it’s-ok-to-reveal-his-name (IDKYIIOTRHN) is running as USC Chair for Alyansa. Let us assume that IDKYIIOTRHN is a boy. So that I can use “he” or “him” instead of “IDKYIIOTRHN” or “IDKYIIOTRHN’s” all the time. It kinda gets annoying using the latter (I tried it, believe me). WHY IN THE WORLD DID I LET THAT HAPPEN?! I saw him very “destroyed” during his term as councillor, unshaven, stressed, droopy eyes, depressive drunkard... and I know how emotionally torturing his term was. He had all the reasons not to run. But he IS running again. No, no, no, it’s not that I saw myself in him. In fact, what makes me admire him more is that I saw something in him that I didn’t see so much in myself: great, GREAT desire. He subjected himself to the primaries for an SB position last year and he got rejected. And now he’s going through the same procedure again, with the same arguments against him. HASN’T HE HAD ENOUGH??? Seems like he hasn’t. Before the Aly primaries, he told me he wanted to talk to me, give him my opinion. When we finally got the chance to at least start to talk, I asked him, “Doyou still want to be talked out into (going to the primaries and) running for the Chair position?” He said “Wag na...punta ka ng primaries please”. End of conversation. The day of the primaries, with work the day after, I went there and stayed and debated for him until 5am. I didn’t even passively allow him to have the position; I also was part of making it happen. Geez, Jamie Pring what’s up with that? You know how bad it could get, and practically you may have very little idea of how dirtier it gets at the USC level (maybe not very little), so why allow him to experience all those all over again? Because I saw how he translates his idealism to his work at the USC THROUGH the party. A lot, and I mean a lot of people have given up on the party, sometimes, including me, but HE hasn’t and maybe he never will. His idealism, persistence and his performance are the ideals I hoped the party would have. There are people far better than him at issues, but he just wants to work work work and make sure that the ideals of the party are applied in not only his projects, but his party mates in the council. A year ago, I thought he was one of those idealist members of the party who would just opt to disengage once they realize their values and ideals are severely compromised as some of the members take over and directly conflict with their ideals. But like IDKYIIOTRHN, I believe that our ideals and values are truly kept and maintained when we subject them to “real” situations, to circumstances that test them. We should be able to live and I mean LIVE with our idealism and values. And not flee from the everyday world that we encounter when we find that the world is too much conflicting from our ideal standards of what it is. It’s not that I am totally sold on the idea that it’s unhealthy to be too idealist; I believe that everyone should always make it a point to identify the ideals s/he should always keep and keep them no matter what; there should always be a level of idealism that remains in us that we should not compromise. So my point is, our ideals, especially our commitment to our ideals, are upheld when we test them against fire and defend them from whatever, WHATEVER, (conflicting or not) condition our only world has in store for us. Our commitment to our ideals is not manifested in how we tuck them safely in our own safe little corners of the world when they are challenged. It is coming up to the challenge and doing all the best we can to make them win over all odds. For even one, even just one, person in the party, I’d gladly give my support. The same way God would spare Sodom and Gomorrah with the confirmed presence of even just one obedient person. Of course, I am not God. But I found one person in the party, not an alumnus, who tries to live his ideals no matter what. Who can prove to me that his ideals, our ideals, can survive the world, whatever it gives (good or bad) as we know it. But that doesn’t mean all the rest of the members deserve to go to hell. Especially now. Which brings me to my reason number 2: The alumni are getting less and less, for the lack of a better term at the moment, “tyrannical” in the party. Yes Siree... I never thought that day would come. But slowly the residents’ votes are the ones really making the big decisions in the party. Do you want evidence: well, Sir A, our dear Sir A, has expressed that he will not support this year’s elections. And the worst I heard is that he’s resigning as an Alumnus of the party. This shift wasn’t obvious in the Buklod first primaries as the Alumni were still dominating the discussion. But come aly primaries, even if the alumni debated within our own circle, the member orgs have decided. The residents argued their way also and engaged the still dominant alumni. But the alumni who were present and maybe the only ones who will be active in this years’ elections were willing to listen. So I saw a lot of concessions, arguments and even agreements that I thought can’t happen at the start of the debate. But in the end, it’s the residents who decided. That’s what made the older alumni not want to engage I think. I know the party’s going to lose some serious support money with the resignation of Sir A. I love Sir A for all his contributions and ideals shared with the party. But the time when the alumni would get to “sway” everyone should not always be the sop in the party. Even in the Buklod second primaries, the alumni vote was also dissenting, and even when Sir Jay was there, the alumni conceded, even in a big SB position. So this loss of financial and moral support from the party’s great alumnus should be treated as a valuable opportunity. An opportunity some people who drifted waited and thought would never happen, honestly including me sometimes. All it needed is for the residents to step up. I hope they become this active too in the elections. So there, that’s the reason why I’m in in this elections. Of course there’s still an instance that ticked me off but this involved a resident member to another resident member: Allen, I think, made a scandal in his tambayan when he found out one of his orgmates is going for another color in the upcoming elections. From a non-partisan org like AP, I really find that strange. I don’t know what their rule is as a member org, but I still think and feel he shouldn’t have become too angry and passionate about it. Whoever he was shouting at in the middle of the corridor where the other tambayans still has the right to choose. I don’t think that’s right; I don’t know if the execoms of his org and the party have talked to him about it. We’ll see. Of course, there’s this other issue of interacting with the people that didn’t like some of my or my other council party-mates’ “independent thinking” stints during our term. Well for one, I have learned that no council didn’t end their term without displeasing some of the alumni, or battling out with the alumni. Ate Mara and Andrew told me that Kuya Ado used to always quarrel with the Alumni before. Also they told me Ate Arianne’s success in the CRSRS did not happen without some of her “independent thinking” stints of hers too. Thus from her originated the “that’s so polsci” expression. Everytime there are independent ideas in the council, they’d trace it to polsci majors. I thought it came from my time, but it turns out it started long ago. Besides, what’s my multiperspective ideal without dissent? So there. And right now, things are civil and lighter with the other alumni, compared to last year. As what I’ve learned from what Sir Jay said one time, we won’t always be liked but it’s not always that we won’t be liked. We displease people from time to time. I guess, hindi talaga ako mapagtanim ng sama ng loob. Siguro sa mga sobrang grabeng importante (importante=personal) issues at tao lang talaga. One of the things I think I like about myself is that I don’t hold grudges for too long. Since these people weren’t really really close to me, I forgive them and that’s it. For heavily personal issues, definitely it takes a while, a whole while longer, but I know it will die down and I’d definitely won’t hold anything anymore in due time. The longer I hold unto grudges, the closer the issue is to me. Dissent is a big part of the world and managing them is a must. Not everyone likes everyone. We just have to live with that I guess. And I mean LIVE WITH IT, makes sure it doesn’t stop us from maintaining and even promoting our ideals and not escape from it. January 06 Happy birthday Belen!Today's Bible Diary readings and today's reflection in Living Water 2010, a book of reflections for each liturgical readings for the year, are my most favorite so far. I love the reflection so much that I am even retyping it to post it here. I think this is a helpful reminder for me when I feel bitter or experience lots of difficult things.
But before that, Happy Birthday JB! I love you! Isang taon at mahigit na kitang di nakikita hindi ko alam kung tama pa ba kitang tawaging best friend... oo na madrama ako. pero may pagtatampo yan. :P Ok here goes: A friend of mine in high school didn’t believe in God. She said that if God existed. He wouldn’t have let her parents get divorced. So deep was her bitterness that she denied God’s even while studying in a Catholic school. While I have never doubted His existence, I have had times when I questioned His love. If God was all loving, why do we go through all these difficulties? Why the pain and suffering? Why all the atrocities that people inflict upon one another? These criticisms against God are not easy to answer. But the Gospels tell us that God isn’t out there on a cloud, aloof to all our suffering. God became Man, susceptible to the very same pain. Indeed, He suffered temptation, torture, humiliation, abandonment, betrayal, and a long and painful death not for any crime of His own but for our sins. Our Savior is One who is not a stranger to suffering but One who embraced it out of love. If God’s perfect Son suffered, why do we expect be exempt from it? Rather, despite pain and suffering, “in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us” (Romans 8:37). In the midst of all our trials, let God’s love be our consolation and strength – Ferdie Lord, I trust in Your Love! Grant me the strength to overcome my trials today. Amen.
WISE WORDS: “If God causes you to suffer much, it’s a sign that He has great designs for you and that He certainly intends to make you a saint.” St Ignatius of Loyola December 28 Music and Lyrics of Alanis Morissette's "Your House"Message Sent
I no longer checked the grammar. December 18 I thought I'll be starting the weekend with a bang... Now I don't think I'd want to go to the Lantern Parade.Dear Tita Benjie,
Thank you so much po for your reply. I just found out about it moments after I e-mailed you kaya po right now I'm still a bit in tears. At first I just wanted to try really and get a feel of things... and then as the application went on, I became more and more serious. I was there to win it. Ngayon po sobrang nalungkot ako. I mean, I have encountered many rejections din naman po before and I knew that they accept older applicants, but I think no one is and wants to get used to the feeling of being rejected. Hehe... I'm sorry for not asking previously how you are. I was imagining the very cold weather over there while I was writing the previous e-mail. Sana po ay ok na ok naman po ang condition ng katawan niyo to face the winter. I thought you are going home po for Christmas, but in any case, I hope you'll have a wonderful Pinoy Christmas over there. Tama po kayo na kahit anong mangyari, masaya pa rin tayo Hahaha... and the same goes anywhere we Pinoys are. Salamat po ulit sa reply! Merry Christmas! Love, Jamie
- Hide quoted text - On Thu, Dec 17, 2009 at 4:38 PM, wrote: Dear Jamie,
It is so good to hear from you. Thank you for sharing. I think it is
their loss. Anyway, I am sure you will be able to land in a better school one way or another with you talent and qualification. I hope you are enjoying your job. I have friends in the Ministry of
Foreign Affairs, in case you want to explore that direction. I usually feel homesick this time of the year. Christmas season is so
festive in Manila. Everyone seems jolly despite the situation and depressing news from Maguindanao. I trust all is well in your family especially your Mom. Maligayang Pasko sa inyong lahat!!!!!
Love,
Tita Benjie Dear Tita Benjie,
Good day! I would just like to share the letter below from one of my
prospective MA schools. It's a rejection letter from Sciences Po Paris. Despite this, however, I am very thankful for your support and words of
encouragement. They say the average age of students for that program is 28, the youngest is 24. Oh well... I just hope my spirit lights up soon so I can start reconfiguring things and maybe apply to my other prospective schools. Thank you thank you thank you!
Sincerely,
Jamie
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Sciences Po Admissions <mpa@sciences-po.fr> Date: Thu, Dec 17, 2009 at 9:47 AM Subject: Your Application Status To: jamie.pring@gmail.com Bonjour Jamie PRING, Your application for admission to the Master of Public Affairs at Sciences
Po for the Fall 2010 intake has now been considered. I regret to inform you that your application has not been successful. We receive a large number of excellent applications for this highly
selective program. While the Selection Committee appreciated the quality of your dossier, they found your professional experience to be much less developed than other candidates competing for the limited number of places. Though we are unable to offer you admission this year, we wish to convey the Selection Committee's recognition of your strong potential, and therefore to encourage you to reapply in the future. I do hope that your interest in the field of public affairs will continue
to flourish, and wish you great success in your future endeavors. Kind regards,
Erhard Friedberg
Director of the MPA The present decision may be contested within two months of notification either by letter of complaint addressed to the Directeur de l'Institut d'Etudes Politiques, or by appeal to the competent administrative jurisdiction (administrative tribunal of Paris). November 10 FutarageesI didn’t go to work today because I wasn’t feeling well. It started yesterday. I swear, I felt so drained and sick. I didn’t do well at work and it was very apparent I lacked energy. My mom suspected last night that it might already be diabetes. It runs in our family, mom’s side. Tito Keng had one and that kinda worsened his situation. That and my addiction to chocolate would make it as sure as I’d still eat chocolate regardless. Haaay... well, everything’s not yet final. Last weekend was very tiring naman in fairness and I haven’t been drinking plenty of water... plus the fact that Jhoana made me drink Bread Talk’s heavenly Milo Dino, the cold milo drink that even has a lump of powdered Milo on top. Suhweeet... So, if my sugar’s high because of circumstances and not because I already have diabetes highly depends if I regain my liveliness and energy once I am detoxing from sweets... I would have to undergo a “fasting blood test.” Mom explains that under that blood test, I have to fast during the whole 12 hours prior the testing. By that time, my body should have expelled the excess already, not to mention all the excess fat. But I bet I’d still feel weak afterwards, hello? No food for half the day? Geez man. Then again, when in the world will I detox from the sweets? I mean, come on, I am here in Starbucks and I just finished a heated chocolate donut and about to sip the last of my grande chocolate frappucino... I don’t want to remember how sore Tito Keng was and how painful everything was to him... So. Not dismissing the probability that I might be just depressed as hell (I was after all very emotional last night... my parents scolded me for crying), I didn’t go to work and decided to go to UP and start with the things I’ve been delaying for the longest time. My MA application abroad. I printed some stuff and brought Santiango and Obly Dongly just in case. Papa drove me to there. First off, I claimed my transcript, which has been waiting for me for the past four or five months already. I was told I haven’t paid for the copies of it yet, so I fell in line for it. Since the line wasn’t as long as the line for those paying their tuition, I was able to appreciate falling in line in the University of Pila again. Hay... even walking to the registrar and smelling the grass just makes my heart fat. After claiming my transcript, I asked the transcript personnel how to request UP to send the transcripts directly to the prospective... she told me I had to write the address and stuff like that. Thank goodness I printed the transcript request form from the prospective school AND I bought Santiago and Obly Dongly. Because I can already pay for them sending the transcript as long as I indicate the details. The stuff I printed wasn’t enough so I began checking the net. There wasn’t signal in the OUR, nor did I have enough money at hand to pay for that request, so I went to AS to withdraw at the Landbank, get my diploma, check the net and visit my department. So I first went to AS 101 to get my diploma (after processes in between like getting a brown envelope and photocopying my transcript which was needed for my diploma), then I went to the Council office to sit down and log on. J They said I made an apparition. Even the Kuya Manong Guards said so. I missed them too. Buti na lang at may signal sa office at MAS mabuti na meron pala silang scanner! So I had my diplomat scanned there and transferred the file to Santiago. The scanner wasn’t big enough to fit the long paper of my transcripts, so I headed to SC to get them scanned. But the scanning in the office saved me around 15 pesos. Then I went to my department. Geez, I miss the smell of our corridor, and I was surprised to see my tarp there! They told me it was in the ASKAL walkway and I thought they put it down and kept it already somewhere. But I didn’t know it was posted on our department walls after it was posted outside. I LOVE my Department... I swear. As I went up to our floor, I saw Dr. Bong Mendoza, my 199 Prof, I was looking form him and I was so happy I didn’t need to look hard! J See, I was looking for Dr. Bong, Prof. Kraft, Prof. Naval and Prof. Torres because I’d like to ask them if they can be my reference people for my application. I met Ma’am Torres in the office (another great chance!) and, the same with Sir Bong, she agreed. Too bad, Sir Kraft and Sir Naval weren’t there. Hayff... But at least I got 50% of them already. The Dept even gave me the list of e-mails of the dept’s profs so I can just contact them through mail. Ate Claire said it’s good that I at least tried to talk to them personally; I’ll just mention it in my e-mail. Upon seeing the prof list, I had more profs I had in mind who can fairly gauge my abilities... I liked their classes a lot. The problem with my undergraduate life is that I realized, I didn’t repeat the Profs in my department. I was always looking to get the specialty of each one in the department as much as possible. Ofcourse I missed Sir F, Prof. Miranda, Ma’am Casambre’s feminism class, which I regret especially that I kinda reserved my last sem for them, when I’d hope to have more time to study their readings and fulfill their requirements... my grades were already stable to the point that I can be at the “boss stage”, just pass and still kinda maintain my standing (come to think of it). It’s sad because I wouldn’t have a single reference person in the Dept who could really assess my ability as an aspiring Political Scientist. THEN AGAIN, I had Sir Kraft twice. J As much as possible I hoped to not repeat the same Prof... honestly, only to find out I should have in some subjects. But oh well, maybe I can still learn from them... I don’t know how... take a non-degree perhaps? I don’t know. We’ll see. J I realized that the UP diploma is in Filipino, which sucks because I indicated I had an English education (which can save up on TOEFL exams and stuff). Of course I could still claim that and still have the diploma in Filipino, but still. Good thing I can apply for a Direct Translation (DT) at the OUR, 25 Pesos per copy. So I paid for two things at the OUR during my second visit: making UP send my transcript and that direct translation of my diploma. Good thing I’d be able to get the DT in 5 working days, so it could still make the deadline. I hope. Shet Nov. 20 for Sciences Po... Oh well papel. Basta, the thing that must be done is to TRY. TRY AND GIVE MY BEST IN THE ATTEMPT. Hopefully I’ll succeed. If I won’t be able to make it to the Nov. 20 deadline, I’ll still have January for the scholarship slots. It’s just that I’d miss out the government subsidy application. But I hope I’d still be able to make it.... please Lord, please please... Hay people pray for me please. Ayan tuloy kinabahan ako shet. Moving on... I went to the scholarship office at Vinzon’s and found out that they will post their scholarships starting next week pa. Then I headed to SM, here in Starbucks. Hurray! It was a fun adventure. I couldn’t have this in the weekend because offices in UP are closed during then. I’m happy for this mini-break I had from the routine tasks at work. I hope I am able to regain my energy. Before I end, may I just say something. There have been a lot of changes I’ve seen in UP and I know I shouldn’t be very happy about them. MAY I JUST LANG TALAGA. 1. Una, ang dami-dami-daming sasakyan. As in akala mo fiesta, parang medyo UPCAT pero kulang pa na konti pero parang yun din. As in puno hanggang dun sa gilid ng street sa likod ng FC at CAL at tapat ng NISMED. Grabe. 2. Ang daming mga ingles-inglesan as in conio ewan to the max ever! It’s not that I hate them (I may even be guilty of that sometimes), but it’s just that I was hoping and missing people speaking their dialects and in plain happy Filipino. As in parang high-class (Marxist class) all-girls reunion na nagtitilian ang mga girlalus pagkanagkakakitaan (first day of the sem nga naman), pero nasan na yung mga may pasalubong na Filipino delicacies kong kaklase galing sa uwi nya? Nasan na yung mga baklang kaswalang nagtitilian? Panay girly na lang eh. Nakakatakot. They say UP’s never been the school of the masses, but at least noon, there were still quite a lot more of those in the provinces and in other classes that have been empowered to avail of the best education. I admit I may be assuming that conio and American accented English is the trademark of the upper class mostly in Manila, but I still think in general that assupmtion applies. IN GENERAL (hindi colonel, gets? J). 3. Ang daming mga cute na boylets. Haaay... at least dito sa last part may halong inggit. J It’s hard to not be possessive of UP, especially AS. I mean, I’ve stayed in it until the weee hours of the morning, I decorated it and even went there when it was practically empty, prepping for reg and stuff. And now it seems like it has moved on without me, embracing new people na nakatambay sa AS lobby, but still singing the same Eraserheads song accompanied by an acoustic guitar. It’s nice to see it so alive, but it kinda made me wonder and get jealous... J oh well that’s UP for all of us. Regardless of the jealousy, which, mababaw na kung mababaw, is inherent in my loving anybody/anything, one thing’s for sure: super grabeng na-uplift ako to the max ever! It could actually be a source of insulin to keep you up and happy *knocks on wood and hopes it’s still not it*! With the smell of the UP grass sending my spirits to the skies, it’s like my personal, brand, of heroine. PuuutaRrrAgeees. November 05 droopy... sleepy.... intuitonsMy eyes are drooping. Is that right, "drooping"? Basta eezotayr...d.
I should sleep now. I don't know why but I slept at 11:40-ish last night. It's a bit late for me already since my usual bed time's at 10. After logging off at 10:40, I started trying to sleep. But I kept on tossing and turning. I LOOOOOVE SLEEP. I've always liked lying down and relaxing, but before, I could afford to stay up until morning and have just three hours or less for a shut-eye. Now's different: I think a good long sleep significantly contributes to my energy for the day. Wierd nga eh, kasi noon ang energetic ko pa rin kahit walang tulog halos. Tangina is this old age...? Pakshet.
Oh well papel. Nais ko talaga ng ipod touch at naeexcite na kong bumili. pwera usog.
I was supposed to write something about Mario and Jay, but I now lost the passion to write it. Geez, I've been putting that off for the longest time. I don't know why I want to write that here... hoping they won't be able to read it. Haysusmariosep.
During the Buklod deliberations... what do they call it, primaries. there. Well after the primaries, when Ate Tin De Villa was already saying the final words about Jay's candidacy... I swear I had a terrible terrible terrible feeling about it. It felt so awful I cried. There's just something wrong with it. I know Jay's one of the most sincerely loyal party member and he can handle anything that comes his way as chair, but I just had a very strong feeling he wouldn't be happy. I mean way less happy than I was when I was council... even if he's stronger than me. During Ate Tin's closing remarks also, I also had a chilling feeling for Mario... I had a feeling, losing in the primaries would make him run for USC, no matter how much I'd try to convince him not to run, and he's not gonna like all the dirtiest of dirty UP politics in the whole UP system. I sincerely had a feeling, that his morale would sink lower, lower than before even with what the party did to him. Things just didn't feel good.
Then lo an behold, I met Mario during April's despedida and he was so haggard like hell. Not haggard na parang haggard lang... haggard na parang desperate kumawala... he was drunk during then; it wasn't happy drunkenness he'd show during our planning. It was I'm-drunk-because-my -life-is-such-a-mess. Parang nakipagbreak-up sa the love of his life, only that there's no friend to help him get out of it.
I felt so helpless. I never liked feeling helpless. I kinda blamed myself for what he's undergoing. SHet talaga.
Then there's Jay. He's been sharing that the age gap he felt with us before were greatly magnified with the new council. He couldn't relate with them much and the members couldn't get as close to him as he would want to. Then again, those are the stuff I kinda thought would happen, and that I think Jay would handle regardless. So even if I felt really bad for Jay (and not being able to support him! or even be there for him when he needs support!), it seems that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was when I was crying during the final minutes of the deliberations after the primaries.
Then again, I was speaking too soon.
And the mishap happened to him just lately. When I found out about it, I had the same chills I had experienced last January. I wanted to cry. But I never really show to people my great worries and apprehensions when I feel them. so all I was able to do was send some texts of optimism.. but I never got to express how sad I felt for him. All I did was talk to the council one time, telling them Jay doesn't deserve sympathy given what they kinda did to him... but their utmost respect and commitment as council members to keep the integrity of their office, and of their chair who willed nothing but for the better.
Well this is not to judge or weigh things or talk about councils and shit.
Point is, I just had that feeling. I thought I was just too paranoid, but the thing I felt (but I never thought possible) happened. The things I cried about for them came true. And it pinched the smalest of muscles in my body when I had that creepy feeling.
I just remembered Rain when I got to talk to him about a different topic lately, which was kinda like: Maternal instincts ba yan?
Shet hindi no! I am nowhere near being responsible for parenthood. Geez man, I am as selfish as I could get.
But it's just that feeling. That intuition. November 03 Dry-Your-Eyes -- Oi Va Voi (on continous loop)Random random thoughts.
Drinking is good. I just don't like Beer. Vodka has been a good friend lately. It's good to drink once a week, or around once every two weeks. Basta, when we drink, we drink. Not that I crave for it. It's just that for the past months, or around weeks naman... I've been drinking with friends.
I actually love my work. Finances aside, it enables me to afford many things -- big papers, big projects, big issues, big experiences. I am contented to the point that I can afford to be sad. That's wierd. Let's try that again: I am happy enough to afford to be sad... sometimes.
But sometimes the sadness just eats me up... it gobbles me, swallows me whole.
Oh well I guess we can't do anything about that.
Regrets.
Not being able to do anything about the awful awful things I did before. The lack of warmth, of understanding, the lack of display of affection. Not that I lacked love.
Then again can I really love? Was I able to show love notwithstanding how very much I felt I did?
I AM A DESTRUCTIVE CONSTRUCTIVIST.
As what I have been discovering post-grad, I have been hurting people without knowing it... as in really...many people. I hurt their feelings unintentionally. In more ways than one. Fota.
I am destructive. maybe I am indeed better off alone. Since constructivism would imply realilty being created and the lack of an absolute truth. I send signals without meaning anything else, but for positivists i.e., the general public, there is an absolute meaning to what I do. Thus they misinterpret.
Then again, a constructivist should be all the more mindful of the social conventions as they have been created. All the more should s/he be careful with her/his actions as they may mean something to society even if s/he never meant the same way as how soceity took it. Because at the end of the day, the perceiver, the receipient of action, and not the agent of action, is more important because the action is directed at her/him. No matter how much the agent willed one thing, if it wasn't perceived that way, the action is rendered ineffective.
Then again maybe not.
The constructivist would be left paranoid as anything s/he may do may be perceived as anything by the receipient. That's the shitty part about constructivism when applied at the atomistic/individual level. It just ends up in anarchy. If you can create your own reality, what stops others from doing the same thing? Even at a wider societal level, what then is "social convention"? One's social convention is another's deviance. Bleh.
I don't know. Hence constructivism is left without an answer to the problems it poses. because the way it has presented and analyzed the problem, the way it criticized the status quo, would be the same way it would destroy its own propositions that seek to remedy the current situation.
Hay, I don't know.
These are the times I'd die for a time machine.
Regrets. How my every breath screams I'm sorry. How I was, and maybe still am so mean. |
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